Heart racing… losing my pace…in…life…
How fast can I go, only time will tell, I can’t run fast enough they are on my trail.
Running…from you, from me, from my potential, from my fears.
Running so fast life is a blur… the faces, of them the ones I love…
Look at me with passionate eyes… yearning for the day I slow down.
But I can’t stop, I can’t wait, the life… the taste… the feeling grabs hold of me now
Running… again, I’m tired… I want to stop but the thoughts keep me running…
Even as I sleep, the running never stops, I’m exhausted, I’m drained and no one knows why.
What am I going to do, there must be another way, I’m tired of living like this what else do I try?
Who can understand this race that I run with myself, only I know the secrets that haunt me…
That’s the reason…you see… I’m running… running from me… my shame, my past, my guilt and my future.
But the truth is… I will never run fast enough… I will always be me.
Who Told You To Touch Me?”
Who told you to touch me? Who gave you that right...?
To sneak into my bedroom in the middle of the night…
To have your way and do as you please…
The only think on your mind is satisfying your own sick need…
Who told you to touch me: I don’t understand…
Is that your God given right because you’re a man…?
I don’t think so!
Who told you to touch me and destroy something so pure…?
Did you ever think of what I might have to endure…?
Once again; I don’t think so
Who told you to touch me and make me go through this pain…?
Something so deep and penetrating I never want to go through again…
I know now who told you to touch me actually it wasn’t you at all…
It was the one who wants to destroy me he wanted to see me fall
But guess what? I’m still here after it all.
“Jokes On Him”
August 12, 1998
A generation curse was put in place from the time I was in my mother’s womb…
He didn’t give me a chance to take my first breath and already plotting my doom.
I thank God I stayed awake to go to bible study and watch T.D. Jakes…
Jokes on him he didn’t know my fate…
Only if you could’ve seen that awesome sight
My body was weak and my eyes were red…
Rev. Clayton; watching me intently smiled and told me the lifelong curse was dead…
I never knew why I misused and abused my body like a piece of meat… Inviting so many young men to come and get a treat…
I thought they loved me I really did…
See that’s what he wanted me to think so I would let all those spirits in...
How many has it been…? I really don’t know… I started way back when so long ago
The shame and embarrassment I had to endure…
For not allowing my body to stay pure…
It’s not as bad as it used to be because my father stepped in and rescued me…’I can talk about it now he doesn’t have that strong hold anymore…
Because I am a New Creation and I’m more than a conqueror.
To Know Him is To Love Him
July 21, 1998
How can I not love the one who give me life…?
The one who comforts me with unsurpassable love in times of strife.
The one who never brings up my embarrassing past or flaws… and still loves me regardless if I fall.
He picks me up and dust me off to start a new day…
And he loved me so much that He gave me the Holy Spirit to guide me along the way.
How can I not love someone that loved me when I didn’t love myself…?
He saved me, He waited patiently and brought me out of the clutches of death.
Wow, how could I not love Him would anything else make sense?
Well before I got to know Him I was somewhat dense.
But that’s all changed because I know Him now…
My life was so incomplete so unfulfilled…
Now that I know him all that I live for is to do His will.
My life is His; this is all I have to give…
It’s still isn’t enough; not for all He’s done for me.
I’m so glad that I know Him I’m so special you see…
So please if you don’t know Him don’t envy me.
You could have what I have or even more… However, you will never, never know if you don’t open that door.
To know Him is to love Him.
Lord Help Me Accept Who I Am
June 24, 1998
Lord why am I not happy with myself?
Is it because society determines who’s beautiful or not…
Why should I care what society says you created me…
So I will be content with just being me…
After all; you’re the creator of all things.
I will accept my chocolate colored skin, my curvaceous thighs and my beautifully brown slanted eyes.
Who am I or anyone else for that matter to question God’s creation?
My waistline may not be as small as it used to be but, I can compensate for that with my pretty white teeth.
Oh’ don’t think I’m being conceited in anyway…
I just love the fact that black is in and here to stay…Ha-ha!
Thank you Lord for helping me accept who I am…
I know now that you crated me in your own unique way… and all the beautiful features I have are with me forever, until I see you again my father on that glorious day.
The More You Love Him
October 11, 2000
The more you love him… all the more you will obey him
The more you love him… the more you seek to please him
The more you love him… all the more you worship him
The more you love him… the more you cry holy
The more you love him… the more you will truly trust him
The more you love him… the less you will worry
The more you love him… the more you release yourself to him
The more you love him… you no longer hide from him
The more you love him… all the more you will cut the fool for him
The more you love him… the more you desire to get into a more intimate relationship with him
The more you love him… it still can’t compare to how much he loves you regardless of the good deeds or bad he still loves you
As long as we live we will love him even-more and he will continue to show us more love than our finite minds could ever comprehend
Thou! Art Holy! Holy! Holy!
October 6, 2000
Holy Spirit reach within me; teach me; show me your ways…
Fill me up; show me love and convict me when I don’t obey.
Holy Spirit redeem me, heal me, deliver me from myself…
Teach my how to bring others from the certainty of spiritual death.
Holy Spirit show me how to forgive when it’s really not my will…
And to pray for those, who persecute and hurt me rather than kill.
Holy Spirit show me how to deal with this heaviness and pain…
That I experience when it seems like my prayers are in vain.
Holy Spirit just show me how to be a blessing rather than a hindrance…
So I will not be allowed to keep anyone from their well-deserved deliverance.
Holy Spirit keep me quiet, shut my mouth don’t even allow me to speak…
If the words I say will not be anointed with power to exhort and strengthen others when they are weak.
Holy Spirit when I ask you to have your way, I want you do so everyday…
Not only when its convenient, or the spiritual thing to do; but I desire to live my life daily in spirit and in truth.
October 5, 2000
God’s gift may not be what you want it to be… mink coat, new car or a big screen TV…
God’s gift you would never want to return back to the store…
His things are so expensive and much too pure.
God’s gift doesn’t only come on your birthday or December 25th…
It’s something you could receive any time a year- a gift you cherish in your heart and hold so dear.
God’s gift to us we could never comprehend or repay… giving his only son born to die for us that day…
The pain and torment he endured on the cross was to bring salvation to souls that would otherwise be lost.
Wow!!! This was the best gift anyone could possibly receive…
This is the reason why we should obey him, praise him and worship him at the very least.
Instead of going through life living as we please.
He doesn’t owe us anything but he still gives us more than we deserve…
Thank you Lord for this beautiful gift no other can compare.
I'm Inspired Today
April 30, 2017
I’m inspired today...to let go and allow the Holy Spirit to have His way.
I’m inspired today...because of all the forerunners who have so long ago paved the way.
I’m inspired today...because history has shown that God will… without a doubt make a way.
I'm inspired today… that what He has instilled in me will have an everlasting legacy for my family.
I'm inspired today… that the pain, I have endured will not be in vain.
I'm inspired today… to no longer allow the enemy to muzzle my precious gifts.
I'm inspired today...because of the freedom I have gained, to bring about change to the millions of souls who have been debilitated and incarcerated with mental chains, and desperately pleading to have the solace of peace again…
I'm inspired today.
Who Is She
April 30, 2017
A tribute to my Sister/Cousin
She is confident, wise, beautiful without pride.
She can walk through struggle with an effortless stride.
Who is she… women envy her but men can't get enough of her.
She knows her value and true self-worth and will never settle for less.
Who is she… she's naturally strong and brick house built.
She's the hostess with the mostees, and organized to the hilt
Who is she… you will never know, unless she decides to truly let her identity show.
She is humble, smart, has had a hustlers’ mentality from the very start.
She's my cousin, my sister friend, she’s had my back since way back then…
From games, illness, weddings, births, and the like; she has been there for me without thinking twice.
Who is she… she is my sister/cousin friend Petisa.
September 30, 2017
My world as I knew it… revolved around dysfunction…
Shhhh… don’t tell, keep your mouth shut so no one can go to jail.
Secrets were my companion, resentments, my best friend, my life as I knew it was chaotic at its core
You see… that’s why I say… all the more…
I managed to live, move and have my being, in pain, hurt, and despair
No one would know, that was the plan to act as if… no one would be aware
Self-hate was my reality, low self-esteem I carried with me
Who would I tell, who would understand, the shame, guilt, the confusion I felt.
How could there be a God? Who would allow such things for a child to hear screams, profanity….
Beatings, … well it was normal for me. My normal, to feel numb, empty where my heart once dwelt.
How did I function in my normality, I did it with a smile, hidden in deceit, I became an actress, a
chameleon, a fake, I couldn’t tell my secrets I couldn’t let anyone know that I became comfortable with
Don’t tell… keep the secrets… don’t embarrass the family. Even at the cost of my losing my sanity? All
for the sake of saving face… Oh no... I dare not… it was only for His amazing grace.
You see I met a man
who showed me my reality… that He had greater plans for me, that my new companions would be
being that dwelt in me, loved me, and showed me a way to Normal… no longer dysfunction.
Spirit of Rejection
Inspired by Sermon CO-Pastor Tina Daniels preached on 10/1/2017
Re-Jec-tion… I remember, when i first felt its sting…
When the boys wouldn’t play with me they said “no… she’s ugly”.
That day it became clear… I thought it was my truth…
That no one would love me… I couldn’t change who I was, what else could I do…
Then the voice said “make them like you”, do whatever they require of you.
So I did, but it didn’t matter because I was never accepted, I only let other spirits in.
I remember my 5th grade teacher participated in the enemies plan…
She wouldn’t allow me to be a Cheerleader because I didn’t “look the part” this began to solidify the plan.
My skin was too dark, my hair to kinky, my stomach a lil too pudgy, and thighs too wide….
This is what I believed remember it was already solidified…
I was ugly, un worthy, abused and defiled, because I believed somehow, I could make them accept me.
The doors closed, relationships lost, financial distress, no support, all the stress…. Why? Because I was rejected.
But on today I was reminded that those doors were supposed to close, they were supposed to shun me for being me, because praise was pregnant in me.
The Holy Spirit was my midwife, and knew what I carried, he had to protect what was in me, so he removed everything and everyone from my life that meant me no good.
After the contractions, and full dilation …. I began to praise the Lord for my hater nation!!!!
Hallelujah!! Praise gave birth to hope, hope gave birth to restoration, restoration gave birth to a new life…
Spirit of rejection, you tried but you didn’t succeed, all you gave me was wisdom and life experience, but now I have a relationship with Christ, this is what was intended.
Praise God for rejection!!!!
I wish there was a way to take all the heartache and pain away...
to relieve the anxiety and depression of every individual that comes my way.
I wish there was a way for all humanity to know that addiction is a DISEASE; that will take you to places, you never imagined you would go.
I wish there was a way to reverse the time, back to the days when children played outside all evening, not worried about vicious crimes...
I wish there was a way to give someone a magic pill that would enable them to willingly turn over their will...
To a power greater than themselves that could bring them out of the ADDICTS HELL.
I wish their was a way to reduce the stigma and shame, that would release people so they could finally talk about what they are going through, rather than hide the secret mind games...
I wish there was a way that love would conquer all... To empower each other and not gossip when we take a fall
Is there a way? Yes I say there is... if we could love one another, be patient with each other, and kind to our brother... yes... I say, that is the way.